Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40

Sometimes in dating we begin to doubt our attractiveness, especially if we have a series of first dates and no second ones, or it seems difficult to get even a coffee date. I believe most women think they are plainer than they are, as I said in “You are (probably) more attractive than you think you are.” I also believe some people enter the dating scene with low self-esteem, as I discussed in “Don’t think you are damaged goods.”

No matter how good looking you are, there is always room for a little updating or tweaking. And if you feel average-looking, it is amazing sometimes what a makeover will do for you.

Last week, my friend Sandy Dumont offered me an afternoon of her image architect services while I was in her town making a speech for a group to which she belongs. It was a wonderful opportunity to see where I could make some improvements. (When I told my sweetie I was going to become more gorgeous, his always-perfect response was, “That’s impossible!”)

While I’ve worked with a dozen image consultants in the past 25 years, and learned from nearly all of them, Sandy’s approach was different. She worked to educate me as well as show me how I could tweak my make up and hair style to be more attractive and effective. And she suggested my colors weren’t exactly on target and gave me a pallet of new ones that would bring out my best features.

Her wall of “before” and “after” photos was striking — some of the women (and a few men) were unrecognizable in their “after” pictures. One woman’s “before” showed a 70-something mousy woman who looked like she could be anyone’s grandma. Imagine my surprise to see the “after” pic depicting a sexy 57-year-old babe after just some modifications to hair, make up and a more flattering blouse. I knew Sandy was a miracle worker!

So while I’m generally happy with my “look,” Sandy taught me some subtleties that I will incorporate to achieve an image that is more congruent with how I want people to perceive me.

She has a free ezine and offers DVDs, books, webinars and online consulting, as well as workshops around the country.

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I’ve discovered a key relationship test. This one is guaranteed to tell you what you need to know about your guy, so I recommend using this test early in the relationship to decide if you want to keep seeing him or not.

What is the test?

Picking a DVD together at Blockbuster.

Why is this such a good test?

You will see not only if he only wants to see gory, action flicks and if he has any tolerance whatsoever for romantic comedy or chick flicks. I know, I know, I’m stereotyping. But you get my point — you see how comparable your tastes in movies are, and more. Maybe you like indy films and he only likes sophomoric pics. Is he open to seeing a movie you like, even though he doesn’t regularly watch that type? And if he insists on seeing “Saw” even though you tell him you hate scary movies, he’s not listening to you.

How do you negotiate? What if you have a difficult time finding something you both want to see? This process will tell you a lot — a very lot — about the guy you’re going out with. I’ve learned this process tells you quite a bit about your guy.

My sweetie tells me that when a man agrees to watch a chick flick he’s really just hoping he’ll get lucky after the flick is over. Are we surprised?

Try it and tell me how it works for you. (BTW, we ended up today with “The Holiday.”)

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No, I’m not talking about a Personal Digital Assistant, like a Blackberry or Palm. I’m referring to Public Displays of Affection.

In online profiles people often say they are comfortable or like PDAs. I state this in mine. But I’ve learned that people have different definitions of this term.

For some, it means hand holding, quick kisses, and interlocked arms. For others in means making out anywhere the urge hits. More than one guy thought that it was perfectly fine to passionately kiss in a crowded bar — within an hour of meeting. Another thought it okay to back me against a building on a crowded street in my city and kiss me passionately. When I pulled away and suggested I was uncomfortable with this, especially so soon after meeting, one guy said, “You said you liked PDAs.”

At the other end of the spectrum, some guys have said they like PDAs but don’t even take my hand when walking.

Thus I learned that different people have different definitions of the meaning of this term.

Have you thought about what your definition is? And what is comfortable for you?

For me, much of it has to do with how comfortable I am with my date. It also has to do with how respectful I feel he’s being. When the guy backed me against the wall it felt like he was not being respectful, especially since there was a good chance someone I knew — even a client — would walk by. And thirdly, it makes a difference if we are mindful of others nearby, whether I might know them or not. For example, my sweetie and I enjoyed necking as we sat on a secluded water-front bench. But it didn’t feel disrespectful since there were few people around and we stopped if someone walked by.

If you each have different preferences and comfort levels it can be awkward. If you don’t like to be touched in public and he likes putting his arm around you and holding hands, you can feel continually pawed at. However, if you like those signs of endearment and none are forthcoming you can feel neglected and that you’re out with a pal rather than a potential beau. And some people just take a little while to warm up and show their affection via PDAs.

The clearer you are with your comfort level and PDA lines, the more comfortable you will be with sharing that with your date. You can calmly tell him when he’s overstepping without anger or putting him down for crossing it. After all, he won’t know your boundary until you tell him. If he doesn’t respect your limits, that’s a sign he won’t respect other of your boundaries.

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Part of the fun of dating is trying new things that your date suggests. If you have the attitude of “I don’t like that” even though you haven’t tried it for 10, 20, or 30 years, you’ll kill the enthusiasm your date has for planning activities. And you’ll deprive yourself of expanding your horizons.

Let’s say your date suggests roller skating. The last time you roller skated was 20 years ago and you remember your feet hurt and it was hard to stay upright.

But since then you’ve taken yoga and have better balance. You also have lost some weight and have stronger legs. But even if you’ve gained weight and have bad knees, why not experience it again and re-decide if you like it? You probably won’t end up being a midlife roller derby star, but who knows if you might like it or not? You’re a different person now than you were 20 years ago.

You’ll have fun in the exploration, especially if you explain to your date your reluctance and former opinion, but that you’re willing to try it again. Get his agreement that you’ll check in with each other after an hour and if your old decision still holds true and you’re not having a good time, then he won’t make you stay. Ask him to help you through your concerns and he’ll probably be by your side helping you stand up — or get up when you fall. You’ll learn a lot about him and how he approaches this activity knowing your unease. And I’m guessing there will be a lot of laughing, even if just for a short while until you determine if you like it or not.

This retrying attitude extends beyond activities, but can include food. Did you try sushi 20 years ago and didn’t like it? But now you’re ready to try some new things, or maybe you’ve expanded your pallette into other international cuisines. So why not give it a try? I love trying new flavors with someone who’s an expert. An Indian boyfriend asked my taste preferences, then ordered a scrumptious curry meal after I thought I didn’t like Indian food.

Years ago, I decided I didn’t like camping. I’m one of those gals who exemplifies the line, “I consider camping to be staying in a hotel without room service.” We’d camped on nearly all our childhood family vacations and while the scenery was breathtaking, it was cold, uncomfortable, and a chore. Although I love the outdoors and wanted to experience the back country, I knew I couldn’t bear the weight of a full backpack. So I organized a llama back country trip, where the llamas carried the gear. The llamareros (llama handlers) did much of the work, setting up our tents, blowing up air mattresses, cooking meals, rigging a solar shower and putting up a private privy. The scenery was unparalleled. I got to experience camping with a new perspective and am glad I did.

So the next time a date suggests something you haven’t tried in a long time, tell him of your past experience but say you’re willing to try it. Admit your concerns so he can help devise a way to mitigate them. And agree on an escape plan in case your previous decision is upheld.

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